How to be a Merry Widow
By Jayne Warren - 26/06/2008
The subtitle of Mary Rogers' delightfully funny yet practical book "How To Be A Merry Widow" is "Life after death for the older lady" - but her words could apply equally to men or women who suddenly find themselves living on their own later in life. Written with candour in a deeply personal style, chapters include 'Farewell Loneliness', 'Someone For The Weekend, Madam?', 'Moving On' and the all-important ability to say 'No'.
In the preface, Rogers, who describes herself as an old lady but a young widow, says: "I am writing this in my first year of living alone. Although there have been times when I would have given the rest of my life for five minutes in his arms, there is a positive side to being single again. Losing a husband sometimes means finding oneself."
Rogers points out right from the start that many women of her generation have never lived alone - usually leaving their parent's home to move in with husbands - so being on their own in a house is a total change of life.
Normally there are feelings of isolation, but she advises: "It is temporary and soon disappears. Avoid reading anything about bereavement, and instead think of people you know who are leading happy and interesting lives. If they can do it, you can!"
All through the book she focuses on the positive side - such as "no shirts to iron", "paint the house pink" or "invite your chain-smoking brother to stay". With each chapter new and exciting ways of living gradually unfold - and each section is peppered with quirky illustrations by 'Mig' and quotes from a wide range of men and women, such as: "Since my wife died I've been overwhelmed with invitations. Its all very nice but there are times when I'd rather be left alone. Perhaps they think a man can't look after himself without a woman."
Rogers also reminds us that in today's society millions of people live alone - and most of them by choice. She says: "Just think of widowhood as another stage of life, like getting married or having a baby".
The importance of good friends comes across loud and clear - and she urges maintaining them well and making up any arguments as soon as possible, quoting Virginia Woolf: "I have lost friends. Some through death, and others through a sheer inability to cross the street." How true.
On a practical level there are tips on handling money, health, choosing a home, diet, travel, handymen, dealing with the new 'lone' status and doing only what you want to do and what brings you pleasure. "Learn to say 'No'. Does that sound selfish? Bet your life."
Rogers also boldly ventures into the whole minefield of love, romance and sex in later life, with advice on what to avoid and what to look out for. She notes that a lot of older people enjoy living alone, yet choose a partner just to go on holiday or spend week ends together. She also advises being bold and embracing surprises. "'Next week is Christmas dinner' I announced to my writing group. 'I've got a ticket and a frock and now I'm looking for a bloke to go with. If anybody has a spare grandpa I'm interested.' A nice man at the back stood up and said 'I'll go with you.'"
As someone who lives alone, this book was helpful, thought-provoking, very funny - and deeply moving. I highly recommend it.
"How To Be A Merry Widow", by Mary Rogers, is published by Third Age Press, 6, Parkside Gardens, London SW19 5EY. Paperback, price £12.50. UK posts is free. Alternatively email: dnort@globalnet.co.uk.