Insurance claims that didn’t quite hit the mark
By Martyn Davies - 28/12/2007
Who needs comedians to make up jokes when the Great British Public is quite capable of making us laugh – as these genuine, if bonkers, insurance claims demonstrate.
"I hit a giant plastic mouse coming down the car park ramp.”
Q? Could anything have been done to avoid the accident?
A? I could have travelled by train.
“Windscreen broken. Don't know how. Could be Black Magic.”
“My wife pulled my hair causing me to turn into a lamp standard.”
“I didn't make a note of the witnesses names as in their ignorance they said I was at fault.”
“The witness gave his occupation as a gentleman.”
“I sounded my horn, but it didn't work as it had been stolen.”
“The wheels went into a ditch, and my foot jumped from the brake to the accelerator, leapt across the ditch and hit a tree trunk.”
“I am very interested in keeping the vehicle, and would like you to consider a 'cash in loo' settlement.”
“I was travelling along at 70mph on my motorcycle when my girlfriend reached around and squeezed my testicles causing me to lose control.”
“I was not aware that the speed limit applied after midnight.”
Q? Do you engage in any pastimes of a dangerous nature?
A. I watch Noel's House Party and Beadle's About.
“I was crossing from Edgware Road to Park Lane in the direction of Margate.”
“There were plenty of on-lookers but not one decent witness.”
“My car was stolen. I made a human cry but it has not come back.”
"On entering Wales I blew my horn at the right hand corner.”
"The other driver turned into a coal sack.”
"None of the parties know me, so my evidence is immaterial.”
"I will pay more when I do some more time.”
"I left my Austin 7 outside. When I came back I was amazed to see an Austin 12.”
"I cannot give details of the accident as I was concussed at the time.”
"She saw me and lost her head.”
"I told the other idiot exactly what he was and drove on.”
"I was going to the hospital with rear end problems when my viscous coupling fell off causing me to have the accident.”
"I couldn't get any witnesses to admit seeing the incident until after it happened.”
"I had been to the garden centre to buy some plants. As I reached the junction a tree sprang up blocking my view so I didn't see the other car.”
"As the lamp post approached I tried to swerve out of the way, but I hit the front end.”
"At the junction, a stop sign appeared where there wasn't one before. I couldn't stop in time and hit the other car.”
"I hit a telephone pole hiding behind a human.”
"I was keeping in line with the left hand lamp posts. A bend in the road brought a right hand lamp post in line with the others and of course I ended up in the river.”
"The gate-post will testify there was no damage to the car.”
And finally...
"The shopper reversed around the corner, denting his car on a signpost. Luckily for him the signpost offered 'free quotes for accident repairs'.”